I am also supposed to have some tests this week, including for cancer.
I don't think so. Without Joey, who gives a fuck. I don't. If I die I die. I no longer feel like life is worth it now...and yes I DO TRY to keep going, but...it is just so not working. I've never felt like this. SURELY not with Shamal, or anybody else either. This has been really different. I just fell so hard and his mother thinks I am nuts for doing so. BUT...
I KNOW how this must sound. I think I sound nuts too, but it's so hard to explain. Love comes and goes sometimes, sure has for me. And you feel bad for a bit and then dust yourself off and go on. I have, to be sure. Hurts for a bit, but hey that is life.
But with Joey, I have known for a long time this was different. He was and is my mate, plain and simple. He has proven over and over he loves me...but he is afraid of feeling vulnerable so everytime we got going, he gets squirrelly. The night he left, he was like a caged animal and as i pointed out when he said he was leaving, we had been getting along just fine. For several weeks. USUALLY that would be a GOOD thing, but not with him I guess.
I keep thinking about how much he showed he loved me, how protective of me he was for SO long. He blew everyone away...our doctors, my nurses, friends and family ALL remarked on how much in love he was. Thursday my housekeeper remarked again how much he had done around here FOR ME,..right up until last Saturday night when he left.
As he pointed out last winter, we have known each other for almost 15 years. That is a LONG TIME to now just throw it all away for no good reason. He says he is a cold-hearted asshole, but that is not really true. That is a defense mechanism he uses perhaps subconciously, but I have seen his other side way too much to believe that is all he is.
Odd, but I have NEVER felt I needed another human being to validate my existence. Perhaps that is from having been raised alone. I HAD TO learn how to BE alone, amuse myself, and be content with my hobbies and interests without human intervention. As an adult, I NEVER looked for love...it always found me, and while I always spent considerable time with my BF's, I was always content to have time to myself without thinking there was anything wrong. NOT THIS TIME and THAT took me by surprise. I think the heart attack and the rest explains that...and as I said Joey was VERY loving and VERY protective of me and good TO me. That made me love him MORE but it also made it harder when at times he would seem to pull away. I had never had that before, and boy did I NOT need THAT after what I had been through. Much of the last year we have meshed VERY well, and other times clashed as much. That is hardly unusual, but both of us are not good at compromising. We DID, we TRIED, and succeeded often, but not easy for either of us, but for me...MY WORST DAYS WITH HIM WERE AND ALWAYS WOULD BE FAR FAR BETTER THAN MY BEST DAYS WITHOUT HIM, for there are NO GOOD DAYS, let alone best days, without him. NONE. NOT NOW NOT EVER. The Joey I know and have seen is all I could ever want in every way. He says he is cold and mean spirited, but I HAVE SEEN a KIND GENEROUS LOVING CARING GENTLE Joey far too many times to believe that. He says he is not romantic (I AM VERY MUCH SO), but I have seen his romantic nature often, and don't believe the contrary either. He is NOT heartless, NOR mean, NOR do I believe he is without compassion. He is VERY passionate about things so often. He cares, even when he tries his damndest to hide it.
He has been hurt, been through a rather unorthodox childhood with much coming and going from his mother, and total absence of a father. He has set himself up for failure in relationships, and often picked partners who REALLY WERE uncaring and often alcoholics or worse. This has made it hard for him to trust, but with me he had someone who will NEVER leave him NO MATTER WHAT. If I haven't after the shit I have gone through with him, not much likelihood I ever would, and I am capable and able to help him navigate his way to a better future FAR BETTER than anyone else in his life without giving in or giving up.
Bottom line, I will ALWAYS love him more than anything. No matter what. Even with all the pain and hurt, I can't stop loving him.Silly perhaps, but that is the way it is...and I can't fathom how I go on without him.
SO, maybe I won't. I have not a clue. God, sometimes I hate being a writer. LOL. Occupational hazard to write about what I am going through, seeing, experiencing...Ah well, maybe my sharing can do some good for someone else even if in the end it doesn't save MY sorry butt.
I don't think so. Without Joey, who gives a fuck. I don't. If I die I die. I no longer feel like life is worth it now...and yes I DO TRY to keep going, but...it is just so not working. I've never felt like this. SURELY not with Shamal, or anybody else either. This has been really different. I just fell so hard and his mother thinks I am nuts for doing so. BUT...
I KNOW how this must sound. I think I sound nuts too, but it's so hard to explain. Love comes and goes sometimes, sure has for me. And you feel bad for a bit and then dust yourself off and go on. I have, to be sure. Hurts for a bit, but hey that is life.
But with Joey, I have known for a long time this was different. He was and is my mate, plain and simple. He has proven over and over he loves me...but he is afraid of feeling vulnerable so everytime we got going, he gets squirrelly. The night he left, he was like a caged animal and as i pointed out when he said he was leaving, we had been getting along just fine. For several weeks. USUALLY that would be a GOOD thing, but not with him I guess.
I keep thinking about how much he showed he loved me, how protective of me he was for SO long. He blew everyone away...our doctors, my nurses, friends and family ALL remarked on how much in love he was. Thursday my housekeeper remarked again how much he had done around here FOR ME,..right up until last Saturday night when he left.
As he pointed out last winter, we have known each other for almost 15 years. That is a LONG TIME to now just throw it all away for no good reason. He says he is a cold-hearted asshole, but that is not really true. That is a defense mechanism he uses perhaps subconciously, but I have seen his other side way too much to believe that is all he is.
Odd, but I have NEVER felt I needed another human being to validate my existence. Perhaps that is from having been raised alone. I HAD TO learn how to BE alone, amuse myself, and be content with my hobbies and interests without human intervention. As an adult, I NEVER looked for love...it always found me, and while I always spent considerable time with my BF's, I was always content to have time to myself without thinking there was anything wrong. NOT THIS TIME and THAT took me by surprise. I think the heart attack and the rest explains that...and as I said Joey was VERY loving and VERY protective of me and good TO me. That made me love him MORE but it also made it harder when at times he would seem to pull away. I had never had that before, and boy did I NOT need THAT after what I had been through. Much of the last year we have meshed VERY well, and other times clashed as much. That is hardly unusual, but both of us are not good at compromising. We DID, we TRIED, and succeeded often, but not easy for either of us, but for me...MY WORST DAYS WITH HIM WERE AND ALWAYS WOULD BE FAR FAR BETTER THAN MY BEST DAYS WITHOUT HIM, for there are NO GOOD DAYS, let alone best days, without him. NONE. NOT NOW NOT EVER. The Joey I know and have seen is all I could ever want in every way. He says he is cold and mean spirited, but I HAVE SEEN a KIND GENEROUS LOVING CARING GENTLE Joey far too many times to believe that. He says he is not romantic (I AM VERY MUCH SO), but I have seen his romantic nature often, and don't believe the contrary either. He is NOT heartless, NOR mean, NOR do I believe he is without compassion. He is VERY passionate about things so often. He cares, even when he tries his damndest to hide it.
He has been hurt, been through a rather unorthodox childhood with much coming and going from his mother, and total absence of a father. He has set himself up for failure in relationships, and often picked partners who REALLY WERE uncaring and often alcoholics or worse. This has made it hard for him to trust, but with me he had someone who will NEVER leave him NO MATTER WHAT. If I haven't after the shit I have gone through with him, not much likelihood I ever would, and I am capable and able to help him navigate his way to a better future FAR BETTER than anyone else in his life without giving in or giving up.
Bottom line, I will ALWAYS love him more than anything. No matter what. Even with all the pain and hurt, I can't stop loving him.Silly perhaps, but that is the way it is...and I can't fathom how I go on without him.
SO, maybe I won't. I have not a clue. God, sometimes I hate being a writer. LOL. Occupational hazard to write about what I am going through, seeing, experiencing...Ah well, maybe my sharing can do some good for someone else even if in the end it doesn't save MY sorry butt.
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