SEPTEMBER 27TH 2015
SEPTEMBER 28TH 2015
I should have seen it coming, but in truth I did not.
The book I had so looked forward to writing I now cannot. It will sit unfinished as a testament to what might have been and now it looks dark and lonely.
I was getting ready to redo our bedroom when Joey split. I'm kinda out of the mood right now although it needs to be rearranged. I love the decor, my mother did that...and this is the bedroom I grew up in. It's homey. Rusts and off white, carpet is solid rust, and I LOVE the wallpaper. But the furniture which is heavy needs to be rearranged. I'll take pics after I am done if I can find the OOMPH.
Nothing much seems worth doing right now.
SEPTEMBER 30TH 2015
HURT SOOOOOO BAD
I pace, I sit down. I cry, try to sleep...eat and don't keep it down.
I feel lost.
OCTOBER 1ST 2015
I REALLY THOUGHT, sad to say...
It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask that there be ONE dude, JUST ONE, out there for me who ISN'T a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE. JUST ONE. I don't ask for much. Kind, caring, compassionate, FUNNY, BRIGHT AS HELL, decent, loyal...God, sounds like a Boy Scout. LOL.
But after the last one, Hitler would be a pleasant change. LOL.
I am tired of being used, lied to, and deceived.
Sorry, but total self-centeredness is NOT a virtue. But for some it seems to be a career move.
Yuck. Anyone I can't believe anything they say is NOT a candidate for husband of the month.
If I live to be 10,000 years old, I will ALWAYS love Joey Meir
OCTOBER 2ND 2015
HE is the only thing that matters to me...the only thing that ever will matter.
He is the sun that shines, the soft breeze at my back, and the inspiration that I need to go on. Joey, I love you.
I probably seem like a bit of a loon, although there may be some truth to that..LOL, but maybe I can explain a bit of WHY.
I had a massive heart attack in March of this year, STRESS-RELATED. Same as my mother did. She had two and open heart surgery. I had emergency cardiac surgery and came VERY VERY VERY close to not making it. A matter of MINUTES, so I was told.
I had a couple more cardiac scares since, and the heart attack also caused me to be severely Diabetic. Elevated Cholesterol, hypertension, anxiety and STRESS...and by the time I came home I had been through a lot and frankly, I WAS SCARED.
To come home to this big empty house 35 miles from the nearest major hospital and I was afraid. Joey got here the day after I got home, and I went to pick him up in Kalamazoo. I wasn't supposed to be driving but I did...and from the minute he got back here he was MY ROCK. He took over, took care of me, took over monitoring and administering ALL my medications, (a lot of them), gave me ALL my injections, did my blood sugar readings, and never let me go to the Doctor OR even talk on the phone but what he was RIGHT THERE. He was SO loving and caring and he just blew everyone away with how protective of me he was. I won't try to say we didn't have our ups and downs even then. Trying to merge two strong people into one unit, especially with one so sick and frightened is NEVER easy. But frankly I don't know how I could have gotten through all that without Joey. He was my anchor, and I loved him for it and still do. I never told him how frightened I was, so he has never known why I would sometimes act or react the way I did to things. I clung probably too much but again...I was afraid. Afraid of dying, and afraid of losing the person I had come to rely on and to LOVE SO MUCH.
We have had some REALLY TRULY GREAT times, meaningful and poignant...and we have had some truly AWFUL times too. He fell off the roof and broke his back in six places. He had pneumonia, and thrush, and strep all at the same time shortly after he got back here, and was concerned about infecting me. I didn't care as long as we were close. He has ulcerative colitis and recently had a serious bout and I went to the hospital and stayed (FROZE MY ASS in there and slept in the most GODAWFUL recliner chair EVER constructed and I did NOT care).
He has been there all this time for me and now?
I am afraid again. I HATE TO ADMIT IT, but this frightens me to be here alone. Especially at night. I've recently been diagnosed with the onset of COPD, and am having breathing issues. Inhalers, and about to start pulmonary rehab along with cardiac rehab. My arthritis (as a result of a BAD car accident several years ago) is flaring and I have also developed Mialgia which is very painful. He would put Lidocaine on me in the places I can't reach and make sure I was taking my meds (I forget), and just generally looked out for me. I have had some memory issues since the Heart Attack, and some vision issues cause of the diabetes...and knowing he had my back eased the stress. STRESS is my enemy, as it was my mothers and I am SO prone to stress/anxiety attacks.
I don't ever talk about any of this and most of what I am saying now I NEVER SAID EVEN TO JOEY, I figured he had enough to worry about.
I don't know what to do. I have no family to speak of and
OCTOBER 3RD 2015
If I live to be 10,000 years old, I will ALWAYS love Joey Meir
My poor kitten Kiki, he seems so lost now. I know he loves me but omg he loved Joey. He would catch mice and bring them to him. LOL, but now he comes in the office and sits in Joey's chair and just looks so sad. It is breaking my heart.
That is one of the things how I knew that down deep Joey IS the person he tries so hard NOT to be. Hard to fool animals. They sense who you really are.
Nothing matters now....but Joey. My sun and moon and stars are silent now, no shining or twinkling nor filling the sky with hope and why did it have to end?
I have a very early day and need to go to bed, but that bed is way too lonely now. I have slept little for a week and feel exhausted. Not good health wise either, BUT...
now the day begins and will be a busy one. This whole week too. Maybe that is good but I don't know. I really don't want to be around other people right now.
At this rate I will die of sleep deprivation in a week if I don't drown in my own tears first. I've got so much to do and no interest any more in any of it. That may sound whiny, and if so sorry...but it is the truth.
OCTOBER 4TH 2015
whoever says falling apart in public is kewl has never done it.
OCTOBER 5TH 2015
This is nothing short of some of the worst of times I have ever had.
BAD indeed...the seed of my ultimate doom beginning to take root, my lungs full of the soot of too much grief.
He left like a thief in the night, and left me to die....WHY?
What did I ever do?
Few things in life hurt more than the leaving of THE ONE you knew was meant to be with you forever?
and few things in life can ever kill you as dead as I feel right now.
How can I go on?
OCTOBER 6TH 2015
I went to my credit union...and got through it. Then went to Wal-Mart and almost didn't. NOT KEWL to have a major melt-down in the middle of Bubbaville.Then I went to a couple of other places and the same thing. SO, I finally came home, and cried the entire way.
I know how this can sound. Good GRIEF, you are a grown up and men don't cry.WELL,THIS ONE DOES when the ONE PERSON I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD...leaves. As Lesley Gore sang, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
Don't want to. Just do.
I can't sleep. (too many memories for one bed to hold.) I can't eat. I just tried and NOT a good idea. I have lost my oomph. I have a TON of things to do and no desire to do ANY of them. I am trying to work, but slow going.
If our relationship had been a bad one, ok. I might feel differently, but much of the time it WASN'T.
I don't know how to go on and I am sorry to say it scares me to be out here in this big house all alone especially at night. With the health issues I have that is NOT a good idea but nobody to come and make sure I stay ok.
I am afraid to die and afraid to live. Live without my mate. I am just NO GOOD without him.
and I NEVER WILL BE.
THAT MUCH I AM CERTAIN OF.
I have to say. I HAVE HAD OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, and broken up before. DUH, who hasn't? But this time it is different and I can't explain why. There has never been ANYONE quite like Joey Meir. NEVER for me. Never will be again either. It is just different somehow and I KNOW we were meant to be together and at least for a while so did he...
BUT...
I let him put a gun to my heart and trusted him to not pull the trigger....BUT he did.
I'm dead now...or might as well be.
I just wish to GOD my fears causing so much insecurity hadn't taken over and I could have been better at handling the rough parts.
There are LOTS AND LOTS of REALLY KEWL dudes out here. NO questions, but if I had my choice of ANYONE...no doubt about who that would be.
OCTOBER 7TH 2015
There is NO GREATER LOVE than that which i have found, and NO GREATER SADNESS for its absence
OCTOBER 11TH 2015
If YOUR legacy is that you left a trail of hurt badly damaged and broken hearts in your wake all your life, good luck with that heaven thing. If you can't be trusted to tell the truth EITHER, REALLY good luck with that heaven thing and if you made alcohol and/or drugs your God...never mind. You will find the exit ramp to heaven CUULLLOOOOOOSEDDDDD.
I can't take solace in the fact I did nothing wrong for I know I did. I can't take umbrage for him doing everything wrong when indeed I know we both did.
But I also can't sleep in my bed without him. I can't GO anywhere WE went for the memories of US still linger much too hard. This is NOT like any other relationship I have known. It cuts deeper, hurts far more, and will linger far longer (forever) because it was meant to be and I was the only one who accepted that. Tonight I passed the corner by the liquor store we used to go to, and started to cry. If it had not been for a dude who wants me sensing something was wrong and following me around in Wal-Mart earlier (he works there), I would have lost it in there too for WE went there all the time. The hospitals (4 of them), OUR Doctor, the mailbox and watching him walking out to get the mail. The color tour up north we were planning only a week or so ago, the wedding... What did I ever do to be treated like toilet paper, used and flushed away? WHAT? WHAT DID I EVER DO BUT TO LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL? I am a good person, but maybe that is the problem. WHAT DO I DO NOW? |
SEPTEMBER 28TH 2015
I should have seen it coming, but in truth I did not.
The book I had so looked forward to writing I now cannot. It will sit unfinished as a testament to what might have been and now it looks dark and lonely.
I was getting ready to redo our bedroom when Joey split. I'm kinda out of the mood right now although it needs to be rearranged. I love the decor, my mother did that...and this is the bedroom I grew up in. It's homey. Rusts and off white, carpet is solid rust, and I LOVE the wallpaper. But the furniture which is heavy needs to be rearranged. I'll take pics after I am done if I can find the OOMPH.
Nothing much seems worth doing right now.
SEPTEMBER 30TH 2015
HURT SOOOOOO BAD
I pace, I sit down. I cry, try to sleep...eat and don't keep it down.
I feel lost.
OCTOBER 1ST 2015
I REALLY THOUGHT, sad to say...
It seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask that there be ONE dude, JUST ONE, out there for me who ISN'T a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE. JUST ONE. I don't ask for much. Kind, caring, compassionate, FUNNY, BRIGHT AS HELL, decent, loyal...God, sounds like a Boy Scout. LOL.
But after the last one, Hitler would be a pleasant change. LOL.
I am tired of being used, lied to, and deceived.
Sorry, but total self-centeredness is NOT a virtue. But for some it seems to be a career move.
Yuck. Anyone I can't believe anything they say is NOT a candidate for husband of the month.
If I live to be 10,000 years old, I will ALWAYS love Joey Meir
Life can be both amazing and frustrating, cause one has to take human nature into account.
Two people can know beyond the shadow of a doubt that their meeting was fate, and they are meant to be together...yet, nothing in this life is written in granite, and if one decides that he doesn't want the destiny he himself initiated there is little the other can do. He called, then he came, and so it has been. People can come and go and we have little control over their passing. Some come and stay while others go almost as fast as they appear. Some you barely notice while once in a while the passing through takes on an importance almost beyond comprehension. It happened for me in February of this year and I will never EVER be the same. The impact has been profound and we both know it. I care more than words can ever say. He came at a time when I so badly needed him, and got me through one of the worst periods of my life. What can one ever say about finding THE ONE, and knowing he is the last for you? |
OCTOBER 2ND 2015
HE is the only thing that matters to me...the only thing that ever will matter.
He is the sun that shines, the soft breeze at my back, and the inspiration that I need to go on. Joey, I love you.
I probably seem like a bit of a loon, although there may be some truth to that..LOL, but maybe I can explain a bit of WHY.
I had a massive heart attack in March of this year, STRESS-RELATED. Same as my mother did. She had two and open heart surgery. I had emergency cardiac surgery and came VERY VERY VERY close to not making it. A matter of MINUTES, so I was told.
I had a couple more cardiac scares since, and the heart attack also caused me to be severely Diabetic. Elevated Cholesterol, hypertension, anxiety and STRESS...and by the time I came home I had been through a lot and frankly, I WAS SCARED.
To come home to this big empty house 35 miles from the nearest major hospital and I was afraid. Joey got here the day after I got home, and I went to pick him up in Kalamazoo. I wasn't supposed to be driving but I did...and from the minute he got back here he was MY ROCK. He took over, took care of me, took over monitoring and administering ALL my medications, (a lot of them), gave me ALL my injections, did my blood sugar readings, and never let me go to the Doctor OR even talk on the phone but what he was RIGHT THERE. He was SO loving and caring and he just blew everyone away with how protective of me he was. I won't try to say we didn't have our ups and downs even then. Trying to merge two strong people into one unit, especially with one so sick and frightened is NEVER easy. But frankly I don't know how I could have gotten through all that without Joey. He was my anchor, and I loved him for it and still do. I never told him how frightened I was, so he has never known why I would sometimes act or react the way I did to things. I clung probably too much but again...I was afraid. Afraid of dying, and afraid of losing the person I had come to rely on and to LOVE SO MUCH.
We have had some REALLY TRULY GREAT times, meaningful and poignant...and we have had some truly AWFUL times too. He fell off the roof and broke his back in six places. He had pneumonia, and thrush, and strep all at the same time shortly after he got back here, and was concerned about infecting me. I didn't care as long as we were close. He has ulcerative colitis and recently had a serious bout and I went to the hospital and stayed (FROZE MY ASS in there and slept in the most GODAWFUL recliner chair EVER constructed and I did NOT care).
He has been there all this time for me and now?
I am afraid again. I HATE TO ADMIT IT, but this frightens me to be here alone. Especially at night. I've recently been diagnosed with the onset of COPD, and am having breathing issues. Inhalers, and about to start pulmonary rehab along with cardiac rehab. My arthritis (as a result of a BAD car accident several years ago) is flaring and I have also developed Mialgia which is very painful. He would put Lidocaine on me in the places I can't reach and make sure I was taking my meds (I forget), and just generally looked out for me. I have had some memory issues since the Heart Attack, and some vision issues cause of the diabetes...and knowing he had my back eased the stress. STRESS is my enemy, as it was my mothers and I am SO prone to stress/anxiety attacks.
I don't ever talk about any of this and most of what I am saying now I NEVER SAID EVEN TO JOEY, I figured he had enough to worry about.
I don't know what to do. I have no family to speak of and
nobody else either. Friends are not here or way too far away, and nobody can or even would come to be here. I could have gotten him money to be here as that is an option but for some reason we just never did. He did a lot FOR ME, but it was a two-way street. Because I loved him. With all my heart and soul, and my fear and anxiety made me hard to be around at times...but now GOD...
I am afraid. Sorry to say that but it is true. I am frightened. I am frightened it will all get to be too much and one way or the other... I get it. He no longer cares, and for the most part I wonder if he ever did and yet I KNOW he did. He said it but he also PROVED it over and over day after day. I only wish I could have handled what i was going through better...and not been so anxiety driven. But...I was and can't change it. I am known as a very strong person and in most ways I am. But all this has taken its toll. Joey, I wish I had been more for you. I love you more than words could ever say and THAT WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE. I don't think you still know just how much and how deeply I love you or what you mean to me. I'm scared and that is the God's honest truth. I need him. This is the most God-awful feeling and it just won't go away. But...maybe if it gets bad enough, my heart will give up and that will be that. or I will just stop breathing. I don't want to be needed. I need to be wanted and if not Joey, I wish there were someone else who would. But...that seems unlikely...and frankly I don't want anyone else. He is the only dude for me. Always and forever, and I really thought even with our problems that we both felt that way. Down deep I know we BOTH did. It was obvious. It was obvious to everyone who knew us and others would tell me how obvious it was that he loved me. I know I caused a lot of our problems NOT ALL, but I did my share...and so did he and we ought to be able to heal...one would think... Sorry to vent. As I said, I've never said this even to him. But I am not having a good night. Haven't had a good week. This coming week is gonna be another killer. SO much to do and I don't feel like any of it. Oh well... |
OCTOBER 3RD 2015
If I live to be 10,000 years old, I will ALWAYS love Joey Meir
My poor kitten Kiki, he seems so lost now. I know he loves me but omg he loved Joey. He would catch mice and bring them to him. LOL, but now he comes in the office and sits in Joey's chair and just looks so sad. It is breaking my heart.
That is one of the things how I knew that down deep Joey IS the person he tries so hard NOT to be. Hard to fool animals. They sense who you really are.
Nothing matters now....but Joey. My sun and moon and stars are silent now, no shining or twinkling nor filling the sky with hope and why did it have to end?
I have a very early day and need to go to bed, but that bed is way too lonely now. I have slept little for a week and feel exhausted. Not good health wise either, BUT...
now the day begins and will be a busy one. This whole week too. Maybe that is good but I don't know. I really don't want to be around other people right now.
At this rate I will die of sleep deprivation in a week if I don't drown in my own tears first. I've got so much to do and no interest any more in any of it. That may sound whiny, and if so sorry...but it is the truth.
OCTOBER 4TH 2015
whoever says falling apart in public is kewl has never done it.
OCTOBER 5TH 2015
This is nothing short of some of the worst of times I have ever had.
BAD indeed...the seed of my ultimate doom beginning to take root, my lungs full of the soot of too much grief.
He left like a thief in the night, and left me to die....WHY?
What did I ever do?
Few things in life hurt more than the leaving of THE ONE you knew was meant to be with you forever?
and few things in life can ever kill you as dead as I feel right now.
How can I go on?
OCTOBER 6TH 2015
I went to my credit union...and got through it. Then went to Wal-Mart and almost didn't. NOT KEWL to have a major melt-down in the middle of Bubbaville.Then I went to a couple of other places and the same thing. SO, I finally came home, and cried the entire way.
I know how this can sound. Good GRIEF, you are a grown up and men don't cry.WELL,THIS ONE DOES when the ONE PERSON I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD...leaves. As Lesley Gore sang, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
Don't want to. Just do.
I can't sleep. (too many memories for one bed to hold.) I can't eat. I just tried and NOT a good idea. I have lost my oomph. I have a TON of things to do and no desire to do ANY of them. I am trying to work, but slow going.
If our relationship had been a bad one, ok. I might feel differently, but much of the time it WASN'T.
I don't know how to go on and I am sorry to say it scares me to be out here in this big house all alone especially at night. With the health issues I have that is NOT a good idea but nobody to come and make sure I stay ok.
I am afraid to die and afraid to live. Live without my mate. I am just NO GOOD without him.
and I NEVER WILL BE.
THAT MUCH I AM CERTAIN OF.
I have to say. I HAVE HAD OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, and broken up before. DUH, who hasn't? But this time it is different and I can't explain why. There has never been ANYONE quite like Joey Meir. NEVER for me. Never will be again either. It is just different somehow and I KNOW we were meant to be together and at least for a while so did he...
BUT...
I let him put a gun to my heart and trusted him to not pull the trigger....BUT he did.
I'm dead now...or might as well be.
I just wish to GOD my fears causing so much insecurity hadn't taken over and I could have been better at handling the rough parts.
There are LOTS AND LOTS of REALLY KEWL dudes out here. NO questions, but if I had my choice of ANYONE...no doubt about who that would be.
OCTOBER 7TH 2015
I am losing weight again. I just have NO DESIRE to eat.
|
I keep losing weight so more tests just to be sure
|
I cannot go back and change what I did wrong, nobody gets that luxury...but all I could do is strive to do better in the future. I would give my world for a 2nd chance. As it is, I have just lost my mate and feel so lost. THIS is HELL on earth...because there will never be another for me. That much I know. Joey may be a long way from being perfect...but then so am I, but he is the one and always will be. That much I have known for a long time. 14 years is a long time to spend building something with someone, just to have it end via misunderstandings and insecurities.
He said he wanted a break and that is what he has gotten. But this is almost too much to bear. I love him. Plain and simple.
I am thinking of you and hope all is well.
OCTOBER 8TH 2015
OCTOBER 9TH 2015
What a way to go through life. Always merely an appendage to others, never living truly your own life. Trying to skate through on the generosity of others, while resenting them for being such easy prey to you.
The anger is obvious, and it is mostly self-directed when you KNOW you are not living as you should. But you can. You SHOULD...and if someone comes along who can help you to change, you ARE A FOOL if you reject that.
How much longer do you think you can keep on using and hurting and avoiding responsibility for your own actions. Drugs, alcohol, sex...it's all destructive when done to excess.
Better BY FAR to choose that one who holds out the hope you need to begin to change yourself and your life so YOU can BE all you were always meant to be, HAVE everything meant for you to have, LOVE can seem like the best thing ever, cause it IS...and YOU CAN go forward into the future HAPPY with yourself, your choices, your LIFE.
YOU CAN, but will you? Are you intelligent enough to CHOOSE LIFE in abundance, or will you be content to stay unhappy and a user of others, NEVER really accomplishing much and NEVER really having much of your own.
THAT is NOT LIFE. THAT IS existing, and barely that.
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
There is someone who can and will help, who loves you and ONLY wants what is best for you ALWAYS...WANTS YOU TO BE ALL YOU CAN BE, and be happy, successful, and productive...not a user with little to call your own except inner sadness at the existence you have created for yourself. Someone strong enough to stand up to you when you need that, and not allow themself to be used to the detriment of you and them. WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE that what you THINK YOU WANT is NOT good for you? It IS A THIEF of life. Addiction, obsession, fear...are all THIEVES, taking from you and giving back ONLY MOMENTARY PLEASURE at best, IF THAT.
Better to have a happy relationship with your family, instead of being disowned by ALL of them. Again, it doesn't have to be that way. Shouldn't be that way, and only you can change it...with help to be sure, but...if you don't stop, hopefully because you are tired of the emptiness and the addictions and the obsession to control everything while ending up controlling NOTHING, you WILL DIE a lonely man...after living the end of your life alone and miserable.
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE...
DOES NOT.
YOUR CHOICE.
Make the decision to CHANGE your life for the better. Ask for the help you did once before but STICK WITH IT this time.
It WILL be the BEST THING you have ever done.
You are NOT a cold-hearted asshole HELL-BENT on using others for your own gain. That is ONLY the self-defense mechanism you have created to try to protect yourself from the feelings of vulnerability that come when you give yourself truly to another or come when you enter unfamiliar territory. But what do you really gain by sequestering yourself from risk? LIFE IS RISK, and LIFE is ALSO LOVE and without it, there is little point.
You can outtalk and fast talk and double speak others, but in the end of the day you have to live with yourself, and YOU are much harder to fool. Stability is preferable but for someone who has never known it, it can seem scary at times...when in truth it is really the easier way to go.
Living the life of a nomad, bouncing from one endless parade of misfits and bad scenarios to another might be fine for a moth. To a moth, one piece of fabric is the same as any other, but it is HARDLY satisfying to a human being...unless over time you can convince yourself that that is all you know OR DESERVE, when in actuality...NOTHING could be further from the truth.
WHY DO YOU SETTLE?
WHY?
Makes no sense when you could have a happy successful life, but for the fear of...what? FAILURE? We ALL fail, that is what GROWN-UPS do. WE MESS UP, but we pick ourselves up and dust off and GO FOR IT.
Will YOU?
Łôvě is a silent language
Only the heart can speak
And only the soul can understand
OCTOBER 8TH 2015
There are always gonna be users. Takers and users. Even if you love them deeply, you would have to be brain dead not to realize that. You cry cause when they are gone they leave such a hole, AND YET...a part of you says good riddance to bad rubbish. You are better than to settle for someone who just IS NOT WORTH your tears Nobody is worth YOU if they have no clue fo the value of your tears.
Love is funny, ironic perhaps and not funny haha and strange as it may seem, sometimes you can fall in love with someone SO NOT WORTH IT, cause they will never truly fathom love for themselves for whatever reason. Maybe they are afraid of feeling vulnerable or maybe they have been hurt...and who hasn't. It is a rare thing when someone is really a cold-hearted mean-spirited asshole for no reason. Usually, there is a good reason, but if they have convinced themself that that is the fact and they fight change, then so be it. I have said it before and it bears repeating. A life lived without love is NOT LIFE. It may be existence but it is NOT life...no matter how good at times it may seem. It is all about getting out of the relationship anything that you can before you split and on to the NEXT...SEEMINGLY greener pastures. But what have you really gained? NOTHING...is the right answer. It is all hollow and meaningless. Even if you have someone who loves you, if you don't or can't truly love them...YOU HAVE NOTHING. You will live your life bouncing from one dead-end relationship to another, NEVER truly settling in...UNTIL you run out of looks, and opportunities to get love for yourself. THEN you will end your life old and alone and unfulfilled, having accomplished little or nothing and NOTHING to show for the years you have spent on this earth. SAD. When you have alienated your entire family who now want NOTHING whatsoever to do with you including your own mother, that should tell you something and if it doesn't, good God...and ONLY YOU can get back at least in part what you have lost. To be in your thirties and NEVER have accomplished much of anything, in a life going NOWHERE with no end in sight to the meaningless of it all? TRAGIC WASTE of intelligence, talent, and life. Unbelievable waste. NEEDLESS waste. YOUR MOVE. IF you have THE COURAGE AND THE INTELLIGENCE TO MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU BLEW IT, BUT...you can still redeem yourself, and turn things around IF you have the smarts to realize you cannot continue as you are. Life and circumstances and the inevitable aging process will cut you short. You will hit rock bottom and that is not good if you have a boat with a weak bottom. YOUR MOVE, and don't blow it this time. You may never get another chance. |
I am sad. VERY VERY SAD. Joey goes to court this morning and I won't be there.
|
OCTOBER 9TH 2015
I am losing weight again. I just have NO DESIRE to eat.
|
What a way to go through life. Always merely an appendage to others, never living truly your own life. Trying to skate through on the generosity of others, while resenting them for being such easy prey to you.
The anger is obvious, and it is mostly self-directed when you KNOW you are not living as you should. But you can. You SHOULD...and if someone comes along who can help you to change, you ARE A FOOL if you reject that.
How much longer do you think you can keep on using and hurting and avoiding responsibility for your own actions. Drugs, alcohol, sex...it's all destructive when done to excess.
Better BY FAR to choose that one who holds out the hope you need to begin to change yourself and your life so YOU can BE all you were always meant to be, HAVE everything meant for you to have, LOVE can seem like the best thing ever, cause it IS...and YOU CAN go forward into the future HAPPY with yourself, your choices, your LIFE.
YOU CAN, but will you? Are you intelligent enough to CHOOSE LIFE in abundance, or will you be content to stay unhappy and a user of others, NEVER really accomplishing much and NEVER really having much of your own.
THAT is NOT LIFE. THAT IS existing, and barely that.
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
There is someone who can and will help, who loves you and ONLY wants what is best for you ALWAYS...WANTS YOU TO BE ALL YOU CAN BE, and be happy, successful, and productive...not a user with little to call your own except inner sadness at the existence you have created for yourself. Someone strong enough to stand up to you when you need that, and not allow themself to be used to the detriment of you and them. WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE that what you THINK YOU WANT is NOT good for you? It IS A THIEF of life. Addiction, obsession, fear...are all THIEVES, taking from you and giving back ONLY MOMENTARY PLEASURE at best, IF THAT.
Better to have a happy relationship with your family, instead of being disowned by ALL of them. Again, it doesn't have to be that way. Shouldn't be that way, and only you can change it...with help to be sure, but...if you don't stop, hopefully because you are tired of the emptiness and the addictions and the obsession to control everything while ending up controlling NOTHING, you WILL DIE a lonely man...after living the end of your life alone and miserable.
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE...
DOES NOT.
YOUR CHOICE.
Make the decision to CHANGE your life for the better. Ask for the help you did once before but STICK WITH IT this time.
It WILL be the BEST THING you have ever done.
You are NOT a cold-hearted asshole HELL-BENT on using others for your own gain. That is ONLY the self-defense mechanism you have created to try to protect yourself from the feelings of vulnerability that come when you give yourself truly to another or come when you enter unfamiliar territory. But what do you really gain by sequestering yourself from risk? LIFE IS RISK, and LIFE is ALSO LOVE and without it, there is little point.
You can outtalk and fast talk and double speak others, but in the end of the day you have to live with yourself, and YOU are much harder to fool. Stability is preferable but for someone who has never known it, it can seem scary at times...when in truth it is really the easier way to go.
Living the life of a nomad, bouncing from one endless parade of misfits and bad scenarios to another might be fine for a moth. To a moth, one piece of fabric is the same as any other, but it is HARDLY satisfying to a human being...unless over time you can convince yourself that that is all you know OR DESERVE, when in actuality...NOTHING could be further from the truth.
WHY DO YOU SETTLE?
WHY?
Makes no sense when you could have a happy successful life, but for the fear of...what? FAILURE? We ALL fail, that is what GROWN-UPS do. WE MESS UP, but we pick ourselves up and dust off and GO FOR IT.
Will YOU?
Łôvě is a silent language
Only the heart can speak
And only the soul can understand
OCTOBER 10TH 2015
You never knew anything like this. You never knew him. Now you can't imagine life without him. You KNOW you never will.
There is no telling how long existence will continue, for there is no life without you
You never knew anything like this. You never knew him. Now you can't imagine life without him. You KNOW you never will.
There is no telling how long existence will continue, for there is no life without you
There is NO GREATER LOVE than that which i have found, and NO GREATER SADNESS for its absence
OCTOBER 11TH 2015
If YOUR legacy is that you left a trail of hurt badly damaged and broken hearts in your wake all your life, good luck with that heaven thing. If you can't be trusted to tell the truth EITHER, REALLY good luck with that heaven thing and if you made alcohol and/or drugs your God...never mind. You will find the exit ramp to heaven CUULLLOOOOOOSEDDDDD.
Not too long after I got out of the hospital I decided on a whim to have my ears pierced. I don't remember why but it was one of the few times Joey wasn't with me. But when I got home from then on, he took over as usual...making sure my ears got cleaned and disinfected. One lobe wound up getting infected and he took care of it, pulling the earring and cleaning it and the ear etc. Eventually Walmart gave me a whole new set of earrings for free and re-pierced my ears FREE. weeks later the other ear also got infected and joey worked with it and after the infection subsided he tried to put the earring back in and it HURT. But he kept at it, being SO gentle and after about the third try he made it and the earring is still in there with no more problems.
How could I not love someone who cared that much? He was SO gentle and tender wanting to not hurt me. This is the Joey I know most. His mother says when she has been sick he has been the same way, SO CARING and gentle and tender and loving. He tries to not let that side of him show, but in these cirtcumstances it is his instinct to be loving. I will ALWAYS LOVE HIM for that, and for a lot of other things too.
One time I had to go to the hospital and it all happened so fast and Joey got left behind. He didn't want to risk driving my car so he never did come that night. But against doctors orders, TRUST ME, I went home with cousins and he was waiting for me. He stayed up with me all night to make sure I was okay. They feared it was another heart attack, and I didn't care., I couldn't stand to be away from him even one night.
I still can't, but I have no choice now.
GOD I MISS HIM.
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