THE WOLF IN ME CRIES - Revised
(Dedicated to Joey, the love of my life).
Copyright c 2015 by Dusty Stark -
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
(except those consumed by the fire that consumes me still).
_____________________________________________________________
I sat in the night and cried...a lonely voice in the dark cold stillness. No one to hear, no one to care...except for maybe one and he is so far away and...maybe his caring is only an illusion in my mind. He used to I know. OH YES I DO, for he showed that caring so many many times, like crimes against hate and indifference. You saw it too I know. He CARED, but...wait...NOW....
My pain is like a thousand pinpricks and a million bullets cascading into my space and it is a hellatious race to avoid them all and I fail...for some hit their mark, and a shower of sparks erupts at each point of contact. I jump, trumped like Satan after the fall, one less haul for heaven tonight.
My metal shroud makes me impervious to most, my mental metal shroud. Like a steel cloud, avowed to make it through, without you...although...that really seems QUITE unlikely...my loving you more than life as I am wont to do...
NOT since the war outside met the war inside, have I felt whole. I should never have pushed you away. But now what can I say? To make you come back and stay? Not push me away, not sway, or waver, or flee? Come back to me? What do I have to do? You went away...not today, but I want to know...
Why?
and...
Why do I hate myself now for what I did? It was so innocent as am I, BELIEVE ME? NO? FEAR, that is truly what it was, I think for both of us...this nemesis of dis-ease, called FEAR.
ME? Afraid to die, and especially afraid to die having just found you...YOU, the sunshine and warmth and joy suddenly overtaking me.
Why did I do that which only wound up ridding myself of the best thing that has ever happened to me? THEE! and love him I will to the end of whatever time becomes...and for me, that will make eternity merely an extension full of the pain I already feel.
I sit in the night and cry like the wolf, and hate and love and miss and fear...for my empty loveless future...what will happen to this lonely wolf now?
I shudder to think. I blink away the tears, and the age-old fears of loneliness and useless PAIN AND GRIEF...TEAR at me like a buzz-saw at the old lumber mill. I should give up this pain, but it doesn't want to let me go. I may flow downstream like a river fall in a dream, and wake up sopping wet from the journey.
JOURNEY...like a tourniquet of sweat and blood and
despair, a pair of anvils tied to my feet and neck and so much for the wreck I have become.
I lie here in the dark, no spark...no fire, my spirits no higher than the subprime lender of my dim and distant past, while glassed-in visions of death and worse BLAZE WITH HEAT OF AN INTENSITY I HAVE NEVER KNOWN BEFORE...
through my concious brain, such as it is and such as what is left of it still.
WILL I EVER BE WHOLE AGAIN?
WILL THE HOLE IN MY CHEST WHERE HE USED TO THRIVE, STAY ALIVE, OR IS THAT GONE FOR GOOD...Would you spare me a breath? Can you give mouth to orifice stuff? Fluff my pillow and share me a dream of happiness and joy for a time tonight? NO? FUCK!
I have NOTHING left.
NOTHING to hold onto.
Nothing to care for or about...AND I SHOUT in pain, to gain the attention of someone I used to know. SLOW DEATH BY FIRE...no higher than the knee of the dwarf I have become.
Strum my guitar, far from sanity.
Banality is my middle name now.
Forever more.
Score one for fate.
Hate and loneliness and doom/gloom is my constant companion now.
How about that?
Flat. ALONE...and howl I must...into the night...No fight left in me...fright is my constant companion, as I howl to the moon and beyond this tortured existence, no fence to corral my pain, as my life begins to drain.........a w a yyyyyy
(Dedicated to Joey, the love of my life).
Copyright c 2015 by Dusty Stark -
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
(except those consumed by the fire that consumes me still).
_____________________________________________________________
I sat in the night and cried...a lonely voice in the dark cold stillness. No one to hear, no one to care...except for maybe one and he is so far away and...maybe his caring is only an illusion in my mind. He used to I know. OH YES I DO, for he showed that caring so many many times, like crimes against hate and indifference. You saw it too I know. He CARED, but...wait...NOW....
My pain is like a thousand pinpricks and a million bullets cascading into my space and it is a hellatious race to avoid them all and I fail...for some hit their mark, and a shower of sparks erupts at each point of contact. I jump, trumped like Satan after the fall, one less haul for heaven tonight.
My metal shroud makes me impervious to most, my mental metal shroud. Like a steel cloud, avowed to make it through, without you...although...that really seems QUITE unlikely...my loving you more than life as I am wont to do...
NOT since the war outside met the war inside, have I felt whole. I should never have pushed you away. But now what can I say? To make you come back and stay? Not push me away, not sway, or waver, or flee? Come back to me? What do I have to do? You went away...not today, but I want to know...
Why?
and...
Why do I hate myself now for what I did? It was so innocent as am I, BELIEVE ME? NO? FEAR, that is truly what it was, I think for both of us...this nemesis of dis-ease, called FEAR.
ME? Afraid to die, and especially afraid to die having just found you...YOU, the sunshine and warmth and joy suddenly overtaking me.
Why did I do that which only wound up ridding myself of the best thing that has ever happened to me? THEE! and love him I will to the end of whatever time becomes...and for me, that will make eternity merely an extension full of the pain I already feel.
I sit in the night and cry like the wolf, and hate and love and miss and fear...for my empty loveless future...what will happen to this lonely wolf now?
I shudder to think. I blink away the tears, and the age-old fears of loneliness and useless PAIN AND GRIEF...TEAR at me like a buzz-saw at the old lumber mill. I should give up this pain, but it doesn't want to let me go. I may flow downstream like a river fall in a dream, and wake up sopping wet from the journey.
JOURNEY...like a tourniquet of sweat and blood and
despair, a pair of anvils tied to my feet and neck and so much for the wreck I have become.
I lie here in the dark, no spark...no fire, my spirits no higher than the subprime lender of my dim and distant past, while glassed-in visions of death and worse BLAZE WITH HEAT OF AN INTENSITY I HAVE NEVER KNOWN BEFORE...
through my concious brain, such as it is and such as what is left of it still.
WILL I EVER BE WHOLE AGAIN?
WILL THE HOLE IN MY CHEST WHERE HE USED TO THRIVE, STAY ALIVE, OR IS THAT GONE FOR GOOD...Would you spare me a breath? Can you give mouth to orifice stuff? Fluff my pillow and share me a dream of happiness and joy for a time tonight? NO? FUCK!
I have NOTHING left.
NOTHING to hold onto.
Nothing to care for or about...AND I SHOUT in pain, to gain the attention of someone I used to know. SLOW DEATH BY FIRE...no higher than the knee of the dwarf I have become.
Strum my guitar, far from sanity.
Banality is my middle name now.
Forever more.
Score one for fate.
Hate and loneliness and doom/gloom is my constant companion now.
How about that?
Flat. ALONE...and howl I must...into the night...No fight left in me...fright is my constant companion, as I howl to the moon and beyond this tortured existence, no fence to corral my pain, as my life begins to drain.........a w a yyyyyy
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